Writing is fundamental?

If we are to enjoy more, we must expect more. Demand more. Good reading begins with better writing. Thus, we must be vigilant, calling out those writers whose efforts to entertain and enlighten us are approached more lazily than Rob Schneider prepping for DEUCE BIGALOW 3: THE FINAL BLOW.

It’s one thing to write poorly, that’s permissible in journals and personal correspondence. It’s another to have sub-par prose published in a major paper, indicating that both an editor and a bean-counter have somehow approved such amateur ramblings.

I deputize you, dear readers, to submit your own examples. For now, let me offer this shard of broken glass on which I pricked my eyes in this Sunday’s edition (1/10/10) of Parade Magazine. The article’s title: “Live Well With What You Have.” The perpetrator: Lynn Schnumberger. Under the subheading ‘Get What You Need,’ she begins…

“To paraphrase the Rolling Stones, you can’t always get everything you want.”

Wow. What a colorful and insightful phrasing to lure the reader, Lynn. So impressive, so illustrative, I decided to explore LexisNexis for more of Ms. Schnumberger’s lyrical lead-ins. Here’s what I found…

From “Spare Change – Where’d It Go?”:

Who amongst us hasn’t paraphrased Bono while turning over couch cushions in search of laundry money, “But I still have not found that for which it is I am looking.”

From “L.A. Riots Make Rodney King For A Day”:

The beaten but not broken Mr. King rallied the crowd, paraphrasing the old War tune, “Why cannot we develop meaningful friendships?”

From Cradle To Rave – Oh, How Kids Dance These Days:

They jumped. They jived. To paraphrase OutKast, they would “flip it, flap it, wave it around in the air hoping that regardless of the physics of chemical reactions it would develop faster like a Polaroid picture.”

Please, Ms. Schnumberger, return your check to the publisher or, better yet, donate your ‘earnings’ to the local literacy program of your choosing.