CH-CH-CHANGES

The winds of Change have been blowing for quite some time. Now, they’re approaching gale force. And while many flee for cover, most likely, they still will not be safe. Only a few know how to best weather the storm. The reeds snap. The willows survive, though they may weep afterwards.

Author M.J. Ryan is a crisis climatologist, an expert aggregator of strategies fro coping with Change. Her latest book AdaptAbility: How to Survive Change You Didn’t Ask For is a survival guide for those floored by financial recessions or spousal transgressions, lost jobs or lost hopes.

Recently, I hosted the inspiringly calm Ms. Ryan at The Good Life. While we covered a lot of ground, a few questions remained. She’s been gracious enough to answer my follow-up queries below. Read on… then head for your local bookstore. Or order AdaptAbility: How to Survive Change You Didn’t Ask For by clicking on the title.

WARREN: Maya Angelou leads by example: “I can be changed by what happens to me. but I refuse to be reduced by it.” Easier said than done, yes? How do we stay positive when confronted by significant adversity?

M.J.: I think what she’s talking about is not equating your self image with your circumstances. It’s easy when something fails–a business, a marriage, a job–to take it personally, to think, “I’m a loser.” Of course it’s important to acknowledge our part, but it’s also crucial that we stay out of shame because shame is a toxic emotion that keeps us stuck. When I work with folks who feel ashamed, I ask them to come up with 7 reasons outside of themselves that the bad thing happened. And 7 things that are good and true about themselves even now.

Ultimately we need to change our attitude toward “failure” and “mistakes.” The more we can adopt a growth mindset, that life is about learning and that everything good or bad is a chance to learn, the happier and more successful we’ll be. It’s the reason, by the way, that Iceland is the happiest country in the world, according to Eric Weiner author of The Geography of Bliss.

If you want to learn more about a growth mindset, see Carole Dweck‘s work as well as my book Trusting Yourself, which teaches you how to see your life as a learning journey.

WARREN: The Quakers speak of the “way open” and the “way closed.” As one can often mimic the other, how do we, accurately, discern the difference?

M.J.: This is such an important question and one that’s really hard to generalize about. Because there is always a chance that if you just keep pushing harder or try another tactic, you will succeed. For me, ultimately, it comes down to the risk you’re willing to take with your well being. I personally wouldn’t gamble on myself financially beyond a certain comfort zone. I’d want to preserve a cushion and so would be willing to walk away from a business idea that didn’t appear to be working before I invested my last dime. When it comes to people, however, I am incredibly persistent. I’m not sure that I wouldn’t still be unhappily in my previous relationship, still trying to make it work if I hadn’t been dumped. Because it’s very hard for me to give up on a human being.

If you feel like you’re not sure, besides the counsel of your own deepest wisdom, I’d suggest seeking out others and ask them to give you a reality check. Ultimately I don’t think we have the right to judge anyone for their choices in these things because we all have to live with ourselves.

WARREN: You suggest that distancing oneself from Failure is critical to surviving Change. But how far can you remove yourself from Failure before you’re up that Egyptian creek, Denial, without a paddle?

M.J.: …If you truly embrace learning then you are not in denial. Besides asking yourself what can I learn from this, you can also ask others what you should be learning and ask how what they say is true. It’s a great antidote to denial.

WARREN: You tout the significance of transparency. As Change remains a buzzword in political campaigns might politicians improve their electoral odds – or better yet, the country! – by adopting Transparency as the mantra, if not their m.o.?

M.J.: The more people feel like they are part of the thinking about what’s going on, the more they will be able to adapt to change. However, it has to be genuine on the part of the ones asking, not something their management consultants advised and they do in a pro forma way. Because of brain cells called mirror neurons we can feel the emotional intentions of others and so sincerity is crucial for transparency to work.

WARREN: Is it a small world, after all? You work with clients and lead workshops worldwide. Have you discovered any vast differences in how other cultures cope with change?

M.J.: All of my clients around the world are in the corporate world, which each have their own company cultures which often transcend geography. That being said, one of the cultures I’ve gotten exposure to in the last few years is the Arab world. They tend to be much more feelings based than Europeans and so are more comfortable with strong emotional expressions at work. They want to talk about change and experience one another’s feelings about it, where Americans and Europeans try to be more “business-like.”

WARREN: You advise that individuals build their brands. Certainly, this is applicable to many, particularly those in creative fields, but if you’re day laborer, a parts-assembler, a housewife, are there brands to build and to whom are you marketing them?

M.J.: I am not enamored of the word “brand.” I used it because it is a concept that so many people have embraced. Here’s what I really mean–you need to understand your gifts and talents, what you uniquely bring to any situation whether a housewife or a day laborer. Know what those are enables you to promote yourself better–here’s what I offer–in situations when you need to market yourself. But they’re important to know also in other situations, like why you might be a great mother but terrible at housework (strong at relational thinking, weak in procedural). It helps us know who we need to partner with and what we might want to let go of.

WARREN: Studies show that the average brain generalizes from an “example of one.” Frightening, but true. Are their exercises we can do to counter our tendency to simplify our predictive abilities?

M.J.: One is to be aware of this tendency to generalize and to ask ourselves when we believe something, who says? What has led us to conclude that? What are other perspectives we aren’t considering? To ask others: What I am not thinking of? Where am I wrong?

WARREN: Is resilience truly common as you imply or is resilience only common when the crisis is? Yes, united, we stand. But divided, are we doomed?

M.J.: It’s often the case that we are at our best in crisis or our worst. I think it brings out both of those things. The beauty of understanding the common behaviors that create resiliency is that we can then learn them, as the field of positive psychology has been finding and teaching for the past 10 years. We can change for the better and use those habits whenever we want to. Easy? No, but with practice we can create healthier habits. I know because I have done it and helped many other folks as well. Do it perfectly? Never, the old pathways are still there and under stress we tend to jump the tracks to the old low road. But more and more choose higher brain functioning and healthier behavior? Absolutely, that’s the amazing thing about being human. We have the ability to change until we draw our last breath.

WARREN: Worst-case scenario: Fall turns to Nuclear winter. In a post-apocalyptic world, do theories of AdaptAbility apply or is it everyone for her or himself?

M.J.: I have no idea, only fervent prayers that we turn toward one another in compassion and caring, now and in the future.

Thanks Warren for all your work and your great questions.

You’re welcome, MJ. Just for you, I’ll never change.  ;  )