A case of two kettles: Woody nettles Dov, Apparel settles suit

Woody Allen might want to stop making movies and just start suing people. Recently, he settled his lawsuit against American Apparel for $5 million. To put that in perspective, CASSANDRA’S DREAM — the writer-director’s sonorous yet snoozy moral tale of money-troubled siblings — took in just $972 thousand at the box office. Originally, he’d demanded $10 million from Dov Charney, which is just around as much as HOLLYWOOD ENDING, ANYTHING GOES and MELINDA AND MELINDA made combined. So, not a bad haul considering the “crime.” 

Here’s the deal: the soft-core-marketed clothing company posted a billboard with an image from ANNIE HALLwith the Woodman dressed up as a Hasidic Jew. Accompanying Hebrew text identified him as “the Holy rebbe.” (How this was to help sell tank tops to kids who probably couldn’t distinguish between Mr. Allen and,  say, a any other funny-looking old Jew, is beyond me.) And yes, Woody took offense. A man infamously caught with his hand in his stepdaughter’s cookie jar claimed his character had been defamed. (He might consider going after Paul Mazursky for casting him in SCENES FROM A MALL while he’s at it.) Charney threatened to revisit all of the plaintiff’s borderline-pedophilic peccadillos to prove Allen had already ruined his own reputation, thus devaluing the worth of his image. Ironically, American Apparel’s empire was built on pubescent two-backed beasts, a steady stream of Madison Avenue kiddie porn equal parts Penthouse and Calvin Klein. In the end, Charney caved suggesting his lawyers advised him to settle. I like to think the chick-magnate was repelled by the hypocrisy of his defense, then dropped his legal briefs. 

If Woody saw himself reflected in the eyes and actions of his courtroom challenger, perhaps he’d realize his own shortcomings and donate the money to a deserving charity such as… CAPA, the Child Abuse Prevention Association.