Eez eet safe? Eez eet SIFF?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop? I suppose it depends, much like trying to verify the number of movies the typical attendee of the Seattle International Film Festival (SIFF) sees during the 25-day marathon. According to SIFF’s Managing Director, Deborah Person — who did not return calls for comment — the answer is: 1 or 2. Now while I find this hard to swallow considering the obsessiveness of full series pass-holders and members of the Fools Serious crowd (many of whom watch over a hundred each), let’s take Person’s stat at face value. That means you — discerning Mr. and Mrs. and Ms. and gender-neutral Average Movie-Goer — must select the sterile needle from the bio-hazard trash-bin of SIFF’s 392 films. Because I care about your health, I offer a list of options for this year’s festival, some of which I’ve seen, some about which I am simply excited. Parenthetically, I proffer my cases and disclaimers. Feel free to argue my choices or put forth your own right here on The Warren Report. So, here goes, my top 22 recommendations for safe-SIFF. 

ABOUT ELLY  (d. Asghar Farhadi)  Whether or not Iran is a terrorist state is inconsequential; the country regularly produces the best foreign films. Proof that censorship is the true mother of invention. 

ADAM  (d. Max Mayer)  Finally, a feature that tackles Asperger’s respectfully rather than as a Lifetime disease-of-the-week. 

ART & COPY  (d. Doug Pray)  Like Mad Men? Don’t believe the hype, get the facts in this artful doc about the advertising world… in the 60s.

BLACK DYNAMITE  (d. Scott Sanders) A parody of blaxploitation flicks using my fave, THREE THE HARD WAY, as its “source material.”

BURMA VJ — REPORTING FROM A CLOSED COUNTRY  (d. Anders Hogsbro Ostergaard)  The revolution may not be televised, but this uprising was captured bravely by new world media.

THE CONVERSATION  (d. Francis Ford Coppola)  One of the 10 Best Films… EVER. Gene Hackman. John Cazale. Brilliant!

THE COVE  (d. Louie Psihoyos)  Just when dolphins thought it was safe to stay in the water, Richard Barry reveals they have more to fear than tuna nets. 

EVERY LITTLE STEP  (d. James D. Stern & Adam Del Deo) One singular sensation, this meta-doc pulls back to encompass both the origins of A CHORUS LINE and its redefining revival.

FILM 1ST. a girl & a gun  (d. Gustav Deutsch)  It’s always worth checking out one experimental film and this mix of war footage and vintage porn promises to titillate if not make sense.

FOREVER ENTHRALLED  (d. Chen Kaige)  Some directors demand respect. 

GARBAGE DREAMS  (d. Mai Iskander)  Feeling sorry for yourself? Remember: life ain’t that bad. Compare yours to these Egyptian kids who, literally, spend their lives in the dumps.

THE HURT LOCKER  (d. Kathryn Bigelow)  Ms. Bigelow may be the most under-rated action director of our day. Glad to see her work back on screen. Note: this ought to be Jeremy Renner’s breakout role.

THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION OF LITTLE DIZZLE  (d. David Russo)  Seattle’s own David Russo is truly a film ARTIST, someone who understands how to use the visual medium for the greatest possible impact. Bonus: watch a man birth a fish out his butt! 

INJU, THE BEAST IN THE SHADOW  (d. Barbet Schroeder)  An erotic mystery thriller from the man who made REVERSAL OF FORTUNE, SINGLE WHITE FEMALE and BARFLY… count me in!

MACHAN  (d. Uberto Pasolini)  A Sri Lankan comedy about international handball competition? Either way, this should prove memorable and, possibly, hilarious. 

MANHOLE CHILDREN  (d. Yoshio Harada)  This documentary makes GARBAGE DREAMS play like a Disney flick.

MESRINE: A FILM IN TWO PARTS  (d. Jean-Francois Richet) Forget PUBLIC ENEMIES. This four-hour French bio-pic tracks the titular career criminal’s rise to the country’s Most Wanted. #1… with many bullets.

THE MISSING PERSON  (d. Noah Buschel)  Michael Shannon was Oscar®-nominated for his performance in REVOLUTIONARY ROAD. See, again, why he may be America’s most undersung actor.

MOON  (d. Duncan Jones)  Sam Rockwell stars in a sci-fi thriller that seems to owe a debt to Rod Serling, SOLARIS and SILENT RUNNING. 

MORRIS: A LIFE WITH BELLS ON  (d. Lucy Akhurst)  Silly mockumentary belittles Brit twits who get their hanky-waving groove on. MORRIS (sur)passes A MIGHTY WIND.

PAPER HEART  (d. Nicholas Jasenovec)  Charlene Yi is a very funny lady. I’d watch her do anything. So why not take in this pseudo-documentary love trip with her equally adorable (and adored?) cohort, Michael Cera.

SCHOOL DAYS WITH A PIG  (d. Tetsu Maeda)  After watching FOOD, INC. you might want to review the joyful Japanese SCHOOL DAYS for a reminder of some of the more basic moral quandaries regarding our carnivorousness.