Entertaining Thought.
As founder of The Warren Report, Warren Etheredge hosts over 250 events every year,
a podcast and television series. The Warren Report promotes "slow culture" through commentary, outreach,
events and education. Our principle: Smarter audiences make a better world!
I grew up going to the movies. It was about the only thing about which my mom and I were in synch. Given any choice, I’d opt for a weekend matinee and a bucket of popcorn twice the size of Aaron Eckhart’s head. Of course, that was before Mr. Eckhart had forged a career thanks to Neil LaBute, but trust that had it played when I was a kid, my mother would have taken me to see IN THE COMPANY OF MEN
Not much has changed over the years except now I’d rather stay home and get my fix on dvd. Why? Watch today’s Entertaining Thought for my inflated reasoning. Then, draw your own conclusions and share them here on The Warren Report.
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April 3rd, 2009 at 7:20 am
I was at a film last week in which the wife repeated every single scene to the old man in a VERY LOUD whisper, all while digging to the bottom of a candy box. I say we create more employment and titillation by giving women with whips the chance to monitor theater goers. Just a small slap for minor infringements, nothing too capital punishment. And only soft foods that do not crunch…sushi and ice cream, for example.
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:43 am
There is a select group of moviegoers who follow me from theater to theater. They have been with me for quite a while now. They are:
(1) The Cellophane Woman –
She almost always sits one row behind me and slightly to my right. She sits there ’cause it’s the perfect spot to make sure my ear is pointed exactly at her. Then, having purchased the largest container of individually wrapped candies in the galaxy, she proceeds to unwrap and eat them – one at a time – throughout the entire film, cleverly spacing out the nerve-twisting crackle of manipulated cellophane so its sound is seamlessly continuous. Someone should hire her to Foley a campfire in a film shot entirely around the campfire.
(2) The Blue Haired Twins
Two (it has to be two) elderly women sit several rows ahead of me (sound travels best uphill) and take turns shouting the immediately previous dialogue FOR EVERY BLOODY LINE SPOKEN IN THE FILM. It’s sort of like time travel audio subtitles for the nearly deaf. And sometimes, just to break the monotony, they argue over the correctness of a line.
(3) Abe Lincoln
I’m pretty tall. But “Abe” is way taller. And even if I am the only one in the theater, he sits right in front of me. He’s unique ’cause the distribution of his height puts 90% of it above his waist. He’d wear his stovepipe hat except it would scrape the air vents in the ceiling.
(4) Twitcher
Usually a teen. Almost always a guy. And he sits either in my row way off to the side or in the row behind me. He rests one leg on his other knee and proceeds with metronome precision to bang the toe of his combat boot against the back of the seat in front of him. This provides a sort of oh-look-we’re-on-a-train feel to my film watching experience.
(5) Oatmeal Nose Guy
Usually overweight. Showers only during full moons. Has come to the theater to die. Or at least that’s what it sounds like. If he doesn’t have globs of wet oatmeal in his respiratory system… well then what’s wrong with this world, huh?
I suspect what has happened is that the moving-image-watching crowd has grown so accustomed to “watching” in their living rooms or dens that they can no longer tell the difference between home sweet home and the local movie house. I say we rip out the usual theater seats and replace them with airline seats that have tray tables in the back. Theatergoers can eat, play cards, send some email… maybe even watch a DVD. Yeah!
Gotta love the 21st Century. Just gotta love it.
April 6th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
well, maybe we can just come to your house and consume the provided beer and appetizers quietly.
October 6th, 2009 at 12:45 am
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